In the market for some new friends.

Moving is, for me, an emotional process. I was recently uprooted from my home and it has been quite painful for me since. I've struggled just to feel like I'm keeping my head above water. I kind of wish someone could throw me a life vest. I've felt very alone since my move and I'd like to rant for a moment about something that I myself could easily fix. I'm shy.

It's difficult for me to make friends the "conventional" way, meeting someone in a class (all my classes are online) or on campus because I don't have to go to campus on a regular basis. I suppose I could but I feel like, if I did, I'd sit behind my laptop and people watch, never putting myself out there as someone who is easy to talk to even though I consider myself someone who is easy to talk to and I've been told that I am.

I feel that, upon the first or second or even third meeting of new people, I do not come across as myself. I do not come across as who I really am. I like to think that who I really am is a girl who is kind of goofy, with an odd sense of humor, with good taste in music and movies. I think I'm easy to get along with as I don't really subscribe to all the girl drama that circulates these days among my female peers. Yet, when I meet people for the first time, I clam up. None of those endearing personality traits that I like to think I have come across. Instead I end up seeming either eerily quiet or stuck up, of which I am neither!

I wish that it were easier for me to overcome this. I wish that it were easy for me to be outgoing and friendly. I'm jealous of those people who never meet a stranger, those people who make friends wherever they go. That's just not me. Perhaps it's low self esteem and fear of rejection. Why on earth do I fear rejection from strangers? Is it because I'm a typical "people pleaser?" I have to think that this is definitely the case. I care far too much about what people think about me. I care too much about being accepted. I wish that I could change this about myself but, unfortunately, it's a characteristic that's deep-rooted in my personality. As a result, I have a few close friends and, outside of those people, I spend my time alone. Alone doesn't always necessarily equal lonely, but since I've moved it seems to these days.

I know that there are brighter days ahead. I know that I will not feel lonely for long. I know that I will make new friends soon. Or at least, I hope so. Trying to be an optimist in these pessimistic times is hard. I suppose I should just be thankful that I have a nice roof over my head and I do have some really great, close friends. I just don't get to see them as often as I'd like but that doesn't mean that I cannot feel the love and loyalty that we share for one another.